"The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself."
Mark Twain
There are two programs on television that disturb me.
Last month, Direct TV increased their basic rates and as a consolation, added some more channels to the package. One channel, Biography, has always intrigued me and I'm glad we get it now. The other night, I was trying to find something to watch and happened to channel surf over to Bio's "I Survived" program. It had started earlier and I stumbled onto "Story #15 - Jackie/Todd/Stephanie" and Todd, the surfer, was talking about being attacked by a great white shark while surfing in Monterey, California. I had always wondered about this and stay tuned, horrified yet fascinated. In the middle of his story, the program included a woman's story of how she discovered a friend's husband in her house while she and her three year old son slept in the same bedroom. Again, her story was interrupted and another woman continued telling her story of being shot in the head by Egyptian airline hijackers. Each story weaved in and out, creating a mystifying tapestry of pain and endurance - real nightmares told by real people.
All three stories were more horrific than anything on prime time TV or in the movies. The Bourne Identity looks tame by comparison. Throughout and within each story was a sense of loneliness. Each person's life was altered forever by living through, suffering through, a catastrophe. One moment life is good and the next moment one battles relentless pain toward survival. I could sense the lonely life each person had to live after these turning points. I sensed that each person remained disconnected from "normal" life because words cannot articulate such horror, fear and pain and most people can't understand it nor do they want to hear about it. I am fascinated by these stories but also a little superstitious that if I become more aware of these tragedies, I will attract them. So, I'm not sure if I'll watch this show again.
I have avoided a similar reality show on A&E called "Intervention." Having lived with addicts and alcoholics, I felt I'd "been there, done that" and was not interested in reliving that hell. Again, my "let's watch a train wreck" perversity kicked in and I watched an episode called "Jon C." This show seemed a bit unusual because it focused on a young man struggling with diabetes. His parents were alarmed because he ate whatever he wanted, didn't regulate his insulin properly, and seemed extremely self destructive without being a typical addict/alcoholic - at least that's what I thought, initially.
As the show progressed, I recognized the underlying loneliness causing his self hatred. He had no friends. His attempts at making friends were rejected, and he suffered from this rejection. I mean he really suffered. There was a shot of him looking at the camera after being stood up in a restaurant by a so-called friend, and the baffled pain, the blank acceptance of cruelty, the awful loneliness gave me chills.
Both programs explore the dark highway we all travel to get through hard times and in many cases, horrific times. It's a lonely road and even though survival depends on our personal fortitude, making this journey with others, loved ones, is often the only reason to keep going. Those that live to tell their stories all share that common thread. They survive because someone needs them or someone loves them.
