"I do not need to fear failure. I need, rather, the peace of mind that comes with taking the action I have been putting off." - "For Today" - page 168
Clarity is a state of mind that refreshes me. The struggle to "make sense" of an issue, to control a situation, to solve a problem is exhausting and often ridiculous. Silly games devised throughout my life to make me bigger, more powerful, more comfortable fall apart when the fear of failure dissipates. Like a wind-up doll, the spring inside, the agitation that moves the game forward, stops. Instead of turning my face away from the train wreck, I look at it. It really is a train wreck, not the fantasy of a bump in the road or Armageddon. It is what it is - clear, translucent, focused.
During my last visit to Sedona, I was packing and cleaning up the house so I could leave early the next morning. Part of my departure ritual is to empty all of the trash upstairs. I was checking on a bathroom trash can that I had not used during the visit and noticed it was empty except for something brown and moving in the bottom of the pristine, white plastic basket.
Even though my eyes are not that sharp anymore, I couldn't help but notice that the brown thing was a good sized tarantula.
"Eeeeep! Will it jump out? How the hell did it get in there in the first place? Does it have a family lurking nearby? Fricking hell! I've been practically sleeping on the floor in the bedroom right next door?"
My mind was a primordial soup of fear. Pictures of painful spider bites, childhood memories of tarantula migrations, and encounters in the dark with jumping tarantulas paralyzed me with dread as I back out slowly from the bathroom. I turned on all of the lights I could find while I put on my glasses. No spiders, except a dead garden spider in a corner of the living room. My heart was still racing and I was ready to run out the door, when clarity struck.
My ninety-two year old mother-in-law lives alone downstairs. She's enjoying the latest "America's Got Talent" extravaganza while I'm packing. She can't really help me and I don't want to scare her anyway. There is no one to help me with this situation, but me. I said the Serenity Prayer a few times, and found the courage to do something. At this point, once my fear took a break, I realized I had another trash basket the same size. Maybe I could put it inside Spidey's basket and smash him.
It worked. I was able to push the empty basket down and trap Spidey. At this point, I was having second thoughts about killing him and so I just scooped up both baskets and started down the stairs so I could toss them into the front yard to deal with in the morning. He'd either escape, be alive or dead and I hoped I would still have a clear mind at that time, too. During this epic struggle, my mother-in-law came up behind me and asked what was going on.
"I found a tarantula in the upstairs, hall bathroom, Betty," I gasped while struggling to open the door so I could toss the baskets outside. "He's trapped and maybe smashed inside of these two trash baskets. I'll deal with him before I go."
"I hope you didn't kill it," Betty said. "We'll see in the morning." We finished up and talked about the finalists in the talent show and I marvelled at Betty's lack of fear or drama. Just another day in the high desert.
The rest of the night was hellish - I slept with a flashlight, scanning the room for possible tarantula migrations, and in the morning I pulled apart the baskets and found Spidey shaken but alive and moving. I had forgotten how slow tarantulas are and as I watched him move toward the front door I scooped him up again and took him down the road to an empty field where he found some breakfast, I'm sure. As I walked back to the house, I realized that the terror of Spidey was gone and I felt happy that he was alive and hopefully well. I also felt good about how I handled the crisis. I had panicked briefly, which is progress for me, and used some prayer to focus and gain enough perspective to find a fairly creative and non toxic solution.
The time honored advice of "count to ten", "sleep on it", "let go and let god" works to remind me that clarity is important in life and although the mind is quick, our reflexes are quicker. It's easier to get mad, scared, unfocused, hateful than to delay the impulse or reaction. I feel grateful that through the various spiritual and self help programs I'm involved in, I have tools that I can rely on to "tame the wild mind" and find clarity.
May all beings know love and peace.
Clarity is a state of mind that refreshes me. The struggle to "make sense" of an issue, to control a situation, to solve a problem is exhausting and often ridiculous. Silly games devised throughout my life to make me bigger, more powerful, more comfortable fall apart when the fear of failure dissipates. Like a wind-up doll, the spring inside, the agitation that moves the game forward, stops. Instead of turning my face away from the train wreck, I look at it. It really is a train wreck, not the fantasy of a bump in the road or Armageddon. It is what it is - clear, translucent, focused.
During my last visit to Sedona, I was packing and cleaning up the house so I could leave early the next morning. Part of my departure ritual is to empty all of the trash upstairs. I was checking on a bathroom trash can that I had not used during the visit and noticed it was empty except for something brown and moving in the bottom of the pristine, white plastic basket.
Even though my eyes are not that sharp anymore, I couldn't help but notice that the brown thing was a good sized tarantula.
"Eeeeep! Will it jump out? How the hell did it get in there in the first place? Does it have a family lurking nearby? Fricking hell! I've been practically sleeping on the floor in the bedroom right next door?"
My mind was a primordial soup of fear. Pictures of painful spider bites, childhood memories of tarantula migrations, and encounters in the dark with jumping tarantulas paralyzed me with dread as I back out slowly from the bathroom. I turned on all of the lights I could find while I put on my glasses. No spiders, except a dead garden spider in a corner of the living room. My heart was still racing and I was ready to run out the door, when clarity struck.
My ninety-two year old mother-in-law lives alone downstairs. She's enjoying the latest "America's Got Talent" extravaganza while I'm packing. She can't really help me and I don't want to scare her anyway. There is no one to help me with this situation, but me. I said the Serenity Prayer a few times, and found the courage to do something. At this point, once my fear took a break, I realized I had another trash basket the same size. Maybe I could put it inside Spidey's basket and smash him.
It worked. I was able to push the empty basket down and trap Spidey. At this point, I was having second thoughts about killing him and so I just scooped up both baskets and started down the stairs so I could toss them into the front yard to deal with in the morning. He'd either escape, be alive or dead and I hoped I would still have a clear mind at that time, too. During this epic struggle, my mother-in-law came up behind me and asked what was going on.
"I found a tarantula in the upstairs, hall bathroom, Betty," I gasped while struggling to open the door so I could toss the baskets outside. "He's trapped and maybe smashed inside of these two trash baskets. I'll deal with him before I go."
"I hope you didn't kill it," Betty said. "We'll see in the morning." We finished up and talked about the finalists in the talent show and I marvelled at Betty's lack of fear or drama. Just another day in the high desert.
The rest of the night was hellish - I slept with a flashlight, scanning the room for possible tarantula migrations, and in the morning I pulled apart the baskets and found Spidey shaken but alive and moving. I had forgotten how slow tarantulas are and as I watched him move toward the front door I scooped him up again and took him down the road to an empty field where he found some breakfast, I'm sure. As I walked back to the house, I realized that the terror of Spidey was gone and I felt happy that he was alive and hopefully well. I also felt good about how I handled the crisis. I had panicked briefly, which is progress for me, and used some prayer to focus and gain enough perspective to find a fairly creative and non toxic solution.
The time honored advice of "count to ten", "sleep on it", "let go and let god" works to remind me that clarity is important in life and although the mind is quick, our reflexes are quicker. It's easier to get mad, scared, unfocused, hateful than to delay the impulse or reaction. I feel grateful that through the various spiritual and self help programs I'm involved in, I have tools that I can rely on to "tame the wild mind" and find clarity.
May all beings know love and peace.
